04 September 2018

[Bess Tuggle] - Memoirs of Surviving Children: Kids Say the Darnedest Things

I have a lot of kids and grandkids. I also have several siblings that were kind enough to grace me with nieces and nephews. Sometimes what comes out of their mouths is hilarious.

Kids can say the darnedest things…

One of the most recent was a niece coming to visit with my mother. She got out of the car, put her hands on her hips and proclaimed “Aunt Bess! Your grass needs to be cut!!!” I looked at her and explained I’d cut the grass two days ago. Now I got to see her little sassy attitude. She pointed at the house and informed me “HE should have cut the grass!” She meant my husband. I calmly explained he couldn’t. He was busy cooking supper. I got the evil-eye then. Eyebrows down, full frown, and was informed –I- should be cooking supper – to which I replied I couldn’t; I was busy cutting grass. She thought about it for a few seconds and just shook her head. Little mind completely blown, and I loved every bit of it.

I got to watch another niece for an evening. They had pet dogs and cats. We had a really good time. I got to give her a bubble bath and all. FUN! The problem started around bed time. I have –always- put children to sleep with a night story, and have several Dr. Seuss books memorized. But, alas, I had gas. I don’t remember what I’d eaten that made it so bad, but I had a royal case of flatulence. Finally, after the second or third book, my niece looked up at me and said “Aunt Bess, your butt keeps purring!” Yes, I lost it, completely – but I did get the baby to bed on time.

My oldest, Thing 1, was tortured as a baby. I would tell him I was gonna S.W.A.K. him. Yes, that means Sealed With A Kiss, and I’d lay one on his cheek with pucker power! It gave him the giggles. It was our little inside joke. It wasn’t so funny when I took him shopping though. What other shoppers heard was “Mama, don’t SMACK me! Don’t SMACK me!” I’m so glad I was on good terms with D.F.A.C.S. by then…

Thing 1 was once in the Christmas Play at church years ago. He was one of the Three Kings. The play started and the church was completely silent. You could have heard a pin drop. Thing 3 was standing in the pew next to me so he could see the play. As the procession progressed down the isle Thing 3, at 2 years old, shouted “I see DOO-DOO!” That’s what he called his oldest brother before he could pronounce his name right, but the whole church fell out laughing.

My absolute favorite came from one of my nephews. He fell in the bathtub when he was about two years old. He knocked out his top front teeth. He loved trucks, and his mother was a Sunday School teacher. So, she takes him to Wal-Mart to go shopping and he starts yelling. Stop, and think a minute about trying to say “truck” without your top, front teeth. “Mama, I wanna *#ck!” My sister was completely mortified.

Yup. Kids say the darnedest things.

Bess 

Bess Tuggle

A jack of all trades, Ms. Tuggle has been a Covington resident since the late 70’s. She's been a K-Mart cashier, cabinet builder, vet tech, office manager for a beef cattle ranch and water well company (where she was able to hold benefits for D.A.R.E. and Scouts), a court reporter, business manager, assistant at a private investigation firm, legal assistant, convenience store clerk, landscaper and elementary school substitute teacher.  Her greatest pleasure is being a wife, mother and grandmother.  Her stories are all real, and all names will be withheld to protect the innocent, and also maybe the guilty, depending on the crime & the Statute of Limitations.