28 January 2021

Perrin Lovett: The Not So Funny Papers

 Greetings, Piedmonteers! In the name of Brahma the Merciless (say Awoman!), I trust we’re all wearing our COVIET face burqas. Let’s review a new and alarming, if sadly predictable trend sweeping the remains of the USSA.

Oh, yes, this installment is a twofer - I figure I owe you, and there at least two big issues and all. 

First, a quick assessment of where this whole thing stands, from a realistic standpoint. With my sizable dosage of hopium having worn off, I’m back to where I was on July 30, 2020. This point is for future historians to ratify, but, friends, it’s over - at least as it has been. The days of even semi-free, quasi-fair, kinda-honest elections in the [fill in the titular terminology as you like: republic, democracy, collapsing empire, “gay” Talmudic clown show, etc.] are days of the past. I knew as early as 2012 that national contests were officially rigged, thus my cessation of direct participation. 2016 was a test that didn’t quite work out as planned. 2020 saw the institution of a fool-proof system; yes, everything was caught, but no one was willing to do anything about it. And, that (we’ll say 11:59 AM on January 20th) was the last chance for a miracle fix. If you’re granted an “election” in 2024, rest assured that the outcome is already decided. The fraud will not be traceable in the future, not that anyone will be looking for it then.

Things are moving right along now. I know everyone is reeling and starting to reassess allegiance to the Uniparty or one of the controlled opposition non-starters. That’s fine. Do what seems best to or for you. But, it’s time - past time - to embrace what’s unfolding. There are four general courses to take, some of which may overlap, tactically, as circumstances dictate: flee, fight, freeze, or hide. 

Flee: This one fits well with the concept of hiding, and neither requires moving very far. You may be able to just stay put while remaining as quiet as possible. On the move, there are both national and international options - which you should already have well thought out to the point of action. (If only someone had written a short book on the topic and given it away for free!)

Fight: Fourth (even fifth) generation, unrestricted, asymmetrical civil warfare is now ongoing in that strange area between Mexico and Canada. As with an escape plan, you should have long since had a plan for surviving this conflict. It’s time to elevate the readiness to at least condition two. If you do not understand the foregoing, then you can always freeze by default.

Freeze: You do not have to do anything. You can always be a casualty. And that seemingly unpleasant option isn’t necessarily as bad as it sounds. Rather than be killed or maimed, you might only be displaced or reduced to a form of serfdom. Hope eternal!*

*While it runs short, there is still a little time.

Okay! Now for the real issue of the hour: the Death of the Comics Section!

Back in the days of the old, vanished America, lingering even into the late stages of USian decline, there were these things called “newspapers.” Some few of you may remember. They provided readers with news, opinion commentary, weather forecasts, sports coverage, and, best of all, humorous short comedic stories complete with cartoon illustrations. One by one, the other aspects of these paper dinosaurs faded away until all that was left were the funny pages. Alas, it is my terrible duty to inform you that those also are now relics of the ancient world.

Recently, out of old habit, I acquired a Sunday copy of a once-major regional paper, primarily so I could thumb through the comics for a laugh. I read Hagar the Horrible with delight. All was well until a few days later when by chance I happened to peruse the true digital version of the same comic online. It jumped out at me immediately! The paper edition had quietly edited away the first two panels of the strip! I assumed at the time that this must have been an error. I assumed incorrectly.

A few weeks passed by and I noticed that every Sunday this accursed publication shaved off roughly twenty percent of the daily misadventures of Hagar and Company. This past weekend, I ran a test wherein I studiously compared most of the printed Sunday comics with the original versions found on the interwebs. I was shocked though, in retrospect, I shouldn’t have been. The following series were illicitly truncated:

  • Blondie

  • Hagar the Horrible

  • Garfield

  • Hi and Lois

It’s only a matter of time before Zits gets popped and Beetle Bailey gets 4F’d. It is possible, I suppose, that the murderous frame clippings are limited to this one worthless outlet. However, I doubt it. Even if I did have any doubt, what would it matter? All of my favorite funnies are always available, every day of the week, either at their eponymous homepages or at places like Comics Kingdom, Go Comics, or Arcamax. Why deal with an overpriced middleman who intentionally diminishes the product?

The American newspaper is now dead. As an aside, each day, I usually scan through a dozen or so European and Asian papers via their websites. They’re no longer what they used to be, though they are still, for the time being, moderately worthwhile. 

How, specifically regarding the cartoons, did this happen? Several answers present themselves, one or more likely explaining the question definitively. News, or even the state-contrived excuse for it, is now something astute, cult-of-free minds glean from trustworthy sources like FOX, CNN, CIA, and CBS, along with that great beacon of veracity, Faceberg. Traditional papers have been cutting back as they lose subscribers and readers, now reaching the point that there is literally nothing left to cut. I noticed with my test paper that on the same page where they couldn’t fit four additional Flagston and Arbuckle household panels, they found room for a half-page ad for their own services. How convenient. If one is utterly honest, then it’s also more likely than not that the average Amerikan is now so illiterate as to no longer fully comprehend the antics of a fat fictional Viking or an anthropomorphic cat. 

None of this is really, truly funny. Still, for whatever reason, it makes me laugh.

- Perrin Lovett is the CF Floyd Feature Writer of Affairs National at TPC & is also the Editor of Freedom Prepper.