08 August 2019

A Guest Commentary by Ryan Ralston: Haranguetans


Note from the author: The following is a relatively lengthy and antagonistic story. The kind, like
it or not, based on fact. Minimal narrative license was applied. Names, characters, businesses,
organizations, places, events, and incidents are not the product of the author’s imagination.
Although he wishes they were. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, or
locales is entirely intentional. With that said…

- Early January 2015, Chicago, IL, USA, CST

Jeremy Gorner, writing for the Chicago Tribune, reports Chicago ends 2014 with fewer
homicides (407), the lowest reported number since 1965. However, shooting victims were up
Billboard Top 100: Number 1 song in the country - Pharrell Williams, Happy.

- Late June 2015, Post 9/11, USA

Facebook: “Tristan got caught looking his last at bat. The pitch was way outside. Not even close
to the SZ. Don’t worry, Mama Bear let Blue have it! Jesus. Take. The. Wheel. It’s the bottom of
the 5 th and we’re down by two.” #momneedsaxanax
New Jersey Governor Chris Christie (while campaigning for president): “I mean what I say, say
what I mean…”

Politico: “Jeb’s wealth to riches story…”

CNN: “Hillary and Huma on the campaign trail…”

Twitter: "@ChipB: Like him or not @realDonaldTrump says EXACTLY what he thinks and doesn't
beat around the bush. And that's admirable. #Election2016"

- July 2015, San Francisco, CA, USA, PST

José Inez García Zárate is from Guanajuato, Mexico. Prior to July 1 st , 2015, he had been
deported from the United States five times. A homeless, drug-addicted immigrant with no
lawful status in the United States, a seven-time convicted felon on probation out of Texas, was
living on the streets of San Francisco. At the time of arrest, Zárate was believed to be 52 years

Kathryn Michelle "Kate" Steinle was born on December 13 th , 1982, in Pleasanton, California.
She is a graduate from California Polytechnic State University, San Luis Obispo, with a degree in
communications. Her funeral was held July 9 th , 2015. She was 32 years old.
Their paths intersected at a blistering 1,100 feet per second on July 1 st , 2015, along Pier 14 in
the Embarcadero district of San Francisco. Zárate, allegedly under the influence of sleeping pills
found in a trash can, pulled the trigger of a stolen Sig Sauer P239 handgun. The fragmentation
of the .40 caliber round ricocheted off concrete decking, tearing into Steinle’s back, slicing her
aorta. The shooting was witnessed by her father. She cried out to him for help. She died in a
hospital two hours later, surrounded by family.

US Senator Ted Cruz, a republican from Texas, introduced H.R. 3011. A 2015 Act Establishing a
Mandatory Minimum for Illegal Re-entry. It was known as Kate’s Law. The bill authored by Cruz,
was never taken up by the Senate for vote. Years later, a modified, less restrictive version was
signed into law.

Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump: “My opponent (referencing democratic
presidential candidate Hillary Clinton) wants sanctuary cities. But where was sanctuary for Kate

Brad Steinle, brother of Kate Steinle, while speaking to CNN anchor Anderson Cooper, spoke
out against Trump “sensationalizing” his sister’s death while campaigning for president. At the
time of her death, San Francisco was, and remains to date, a sanctuary city.

- January 2016, Chicago, IL, USA, CST

As reported by Josh Sanburn of Time: In 2015, Chicago led the nation in murders with 468, an
increase from the previous year by 12.5%. There were 2,900 shootings in Chicago in 2015, a
29% increase from 2013.
Billboard Top 100: Number 1 song in the country – Bruno Mars, Uptown Funk.
Facebook: “Mama Bear. ISO a vet. Fido has a puss-filled boil over his left eye that needs
draining. TIA.” #yuckypup

Any national republican (speaking out against gun violence in Chicago): …

Any national democrat (speaking out against gun violence in Chicago): …

Mayor of Chicago (speaking out against gun violence in Chicago): …

Governor of Illinois (speaking out against gun violence in Chicago): ...

US Senator from Illinois (speaking out against gun violence in Chicago): …

US Congressman from Illinois (speaking out against gun violence in Chicago): …

US president (speaking out against gun violence in Chicago): …
Citizens of Chicago (speaking out against gun violence in Chicago): “Please help us…”

- June 2016, Orlando, FL, USA, EST

On June 12, 2016, 29-year old Omar Mateen, killed 49 people and wounded 53 others in a mass
shooting inside Pulse, a predominately gay nightclub in Orlando, Florida. Orlando Police
Department officers eventually shot and killed him after a three-hour standoff. His wife was
later implicated.

Facebook: “Mama Bear is sending her thoughts and prayers this evening to the city of Orlando,
the victims of the Pulse Nightclub shooting, their families, and all first responders.”

President Barack Obama (speaking about the Pulse Nightclub shooting): "Here in Orlando, we
are reminded not only of our obligations as a country to be resolute against terrorists, we are
reminded not only of the need for us to implement smarter policies to prevent mass shootings,
we're also reminded of what unites us as Americans, and that what unites us is far stronger
than the hate and the terror of those who target us.”

CNN: “49 killed, shooter pledged ISIS allegiance.”

NY Times: “Worse mass shooting in US History.”

PBS.org: “Law makers aim to designate site of Pulse Nightclub shooting a national memorial.”
Republicans (in general): “Thoughts and prayers go out to...”

Democrats (in general): “Along with our thoughts and prayers we need stricter gun control
laws. Enough is enough. It’s time to act.”

Libertarians (in general): “Let us all pause and reflect, tragedy such as the Pulse Nightclub
shooting, can lead self-serving politicians to make hasty decisions and sponsor bills that
potentially violate the 2 nd Amendment to the US Constitution.” #shallnotbeinfringed

- January 20 th , 2017, Washington D.C., USA, EST

Donald Trump is sworn in as our nation’s 45 th president.

Billboard Top 100: Number 1 song in the country – Migos Featuring Lil’ Uzi Vert, Bad & Bougee.
Facebook: “MAGA!!!” #allaboardmamabearsonthetrumptrain

Trump (during his inaugural speech): “January 20th, 2017 will be remembered as the day the
people became the rulers of this nation again. The forgotten men and women of our country
will be forgotten no longer.”

Washington Post: “…hope and panic…”

Democracy Now: “Protest break out across US against Trump inauguration.”

CNN: “One of the greatest upsets in American political history.”

Buenos Aires Herald: “Good luck America.”

The Week: “Trump has vowed to swiftly undo major pieces of President Obama’s legacy.”

- May 2017, Washington D.C, USA, EST

Special Counsel Robert Mueller, the former director of the FBI, appointed by Deputy Attorney
General Rod Rosenstein, began his investigation into Trump’s 2016 presidential campaign and
any links between Trump associates and Russian officials, and possible Russian interference
during the election cycle. The investigation's scope included allegations of "links and/or
coordination" between the Russian government and individuals associated with the Trump
campaign. Mueller was mandated to pursue "any matters that arose or may arise directly from
the investigation." The probe included a criminal investigation into potential obstruction of
justice charges against Trump and members of his campaign or his administration. In March of
2019, two years and 35 million dollars later, the investigation concluded.
During this two-year period, according to ABC News, there were 1,221 murders in Chicago and
686 victims of mass shootings across the USA.

Facebook: “This Mama Bear is mad as a hornet! Crooked Hillary.” #lockherup

Republicans (in general): “What is going on in Washington D.C.?”

Democrats (in general): “Impeach, impeach, impeach!”

Libertarians (in general): “What is going on in Washington D.C., is this even constitutional?”

In late November of 2017, Zárate was acquitted of murder but found guilty of a felon being in
possession of a firearm.

- December 2017, USA

Facebook: “Mama Bear and Papa Bear are snuggled in the den watching the Hallmark Channel.”

USA Today: “Steinle family can’t sue San Francisco…”

CNN: “An undocumented immigrant not guilty…”

Buzzfeed: “Kate’s Law became a rallying cry for some conservatives…”

NPR: “Jury finds undocumented immigrant not guilty…”

Robin Abcarian, columnist with the LA Times: “…verdict was shocking but fair…jurors put facts
over politics…”

Cato.org: “Kate’s Law a waste of federal resources…”

- 2017, Chicago, IL, USA

The Associated Press and NBC News reported the following: “Chicago ended 2017 with fewer
homicides than the year before, but gang violence in the city's most dangerous neighborhoods
kept the total number of killings above the 600 mark for only the second time in more than a
decade. The Chicago Police Department released statistics that show the number of homicides
fell from 771 in 2016 to 650 last year. The number of shootings dropped from 3,550 to 2,785
during the same period. Although the drops were significant, the homicide total in a repeat of
2016, eclipsed the number of killings in New York City and Los Angeles combined.”

Billboard Top 100: Number 1 song in the country – Lady Gaga, The Cure.

Any republican (speaking out against gun violence in Chicago): …

Any democrat (speaking out against gun violence in Chicago): …

Democratic Mayor of Chicago (speaking out against gun violence in Chicago): …

Governor of Illinois (speaking out against the violence in Chicago): ...

US Senator from Illinois (speaking out against gun violence in Chicago): …

US Congressman from Illinois (speaking out against gun violence in Chicago): …

US president (speaking out against gun violence in Chicago): …

Citizens of Chicago (speaking out against gun violence in Chicago): “…please help us…

- August 2017, Charlottesville, VA, USA, EST

On August 12, 2017, 20-year-old James A. Fields, Jr., an advocate of neo-nazism and white
nationalism, deliberately drove his car into a crowd of people peacefully protesting the Unite
the Right rally in Charlottesville, Virginia, killing Heather Heyer and injuring 28 others. Unite the
Right is a white supremacist organization. Fields was later convicted in a state court of hit and
run, first degree murder, and eight counts of malicious wounding. He was sentenced to life in
prison with an additional 419 years to serve.

Trump (speaking about the Charlottesville, VA tragedy): “…they didn’t put themselves down as
neo-nazis, and you had some very bad people in that group. But you also had people that were
very fine people on both sides. You had people in that group – excuse me, excuse me, I saw the
same pictures you did. You had people in that group that were there to protest the taking
down of, to them, a very, very important statue and the renaming of a park from Robert E. Lee
to another name.”

Facebook: “Mama Bear’s slightly confused.”

Republicans (in general): “What?”

Democrats (in general): “What?”

Libertarians (in general): “We actually agree with the republicans and democrats on this one.”

According to the Chicago Tribune, that same weekend, 33 people were shot in Chicago, 7
fatally. Compare that to the previous month, as reported by ABC 7 Chicago, where over 400
people were shot, 74 fatally.

Citizens of Chicago (speaking out against gun violence in Chicago): “…God…please, anyone, help

- November 2018, USA

The US midterm elections were held on November 6, 2018. Thirty-five of the 100 seats in the
US Senate, along with all 435 seats in the US House were contested. Among the newly elected
were congresswomen; Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez of New York (AOC), Ilhan Omar of Minnesota,
Ayanna Pressley of Massachusetts and Rashida Tlaib of Michigan. Hereafter, known as “the

The Chicago Sun Times reports 4 dead and 19 wounded during the 2018 Thanksgiving weekend
in Chicago.

Billboard Top 100: Number 1 song in the country – Drake, God’s Plan.

Citizens of Chicago (speaking out against gun violence in Chicago): “…God…please, please,
please, anyone, please help us…please.”

The squad (speaking about Trump and the treatment of minority Americans): “’He does not
embody the principles, the responsibility, the grace, the integrity of a true president’, ‘…biggest
bully I've ever had to deal with in my lifetime’, ‘I will always speak truth to power’, ‘…no
question…Mr. Trump is racist’, ‘For far too long we have lived with the discomfort of being a
second-class citizen and, frankly, I'm tired of it, and every single Muslim in this country should
be tired of it. Cair was founded after 9/11 because they recognized that some people did
something and that all of us were starting to lose access to our civil liberties’, “…impeach…the

Trump (speaking about the squad): “So interesting to see ‘Progressive’ Democrat
Congresswomen, who originally came from countries whose governments are a complete and
total catastrophe, the worst, most corrupt and inept anywhere in the world (if they even have a
functioning government at all), now loudly and viciously telling the people of the United States,
the greatest and most powerful Nation on earth, how our government is to be run. Why don’t
they go back and help fix the totally broken and crime infested places from which they came.
Then come back and show us how it is done. These places need your help badly, you can’t leave
fast enough. I’m sure that Nancy Pelosi would be very happy to quickly work out free travel

Trump: “…invasion at our southern border.”

Trump: “…rats…infestation…Baltimore…Cummings.”

Trump: “…shithole countries…”

Trump: “Build the wall.”

Trump (speaking at a rally in Florida): “And don’t forget—we don’t let them and we can’t let
them use weapons. We can’t. Other countries do. We can’t. I would never do that. But how do
you stop these people? You can’t. There’s—” At this point the crowd interrupts Trump with
chants of, ‘Shoot them!’ Meaning shoot the immigrants who enter the US unlawfully and
commit acts of violence and crime against US citizens. Trump, in response: ‘That’s only in the
panhandle you can get away with that stuff.’ Trump pauses, again…’only in the panhandle.’”

Democrats (in general): “He’s a racist.”

All democratic presidential candidates: “Trump’s a racist.”

Republicans (in general): …

Libertarians (in general): “Whiskey-Tango-Foxtrot?”

- August 2019, El Paso, TX, USA, CST and Dayton, OH, USA, CST

CNN reports, during the weekend of August 3 rd , 2019, there were two mass shootings. The first
was at a Wal-Mart in El Paso, TX. 22 people killed. The shooter, a white male, was taken into
custody by local LE. During his rampage he specifically targeted Hispanics. According to the El
Paso Sheriff, “…an Anglo man came here to kill Hispanics.” The second shooting occurred in
Dayton, OH. 9 people killed. The shooter, a white male, indiscriminately fired into a crowd
outside a bar. LE shot and killed the shooter in less than 30 seconds after initially responding to
the sound of gunfire. His motive was unclear. Both shooters employed “assault-style rifles.”
The manifesto purportedly written by the El Paso shooter, references racist and bigoted
ideology and divisive political rhetoric from both parties.

That same weekend, according to a local CBS affiliate in Chicago, 7 people were killed and 46
shot in separate incidents around the city.

The Chicago Tribune also reports, so far in 2019 there have been a total of 1,517 people shot in

Citizens of Chicago (speaking out against gun violence in Chicago): “We give up.”

President Trump (speaking about the El Paso shooting): “Hate has no place in America…hatred
and mental health issues pulled the trigger…”

So far this year, nationwide, there have been over 250 mass shootings. As defined by national
uniform crime reporting statistics, a mass shooting occurs when 4 or more individuals are shot
during a single incident.

While speaking at a vigil in Dayton, Ohio, Governor Mike DeWine was shouted down by the
chants of mourners, “Do something, do something, do something…”

Facebook: “Mama Bear sends her thoughts and prayers to the victims and families of the
tragedies that occurred in Texas and Ohio.” #elpasoanddaytonstrong

The Washington Post reports: Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden misspoke when he
expressed sympathy for the victims of the weekend’s mass shootings in Houston and Michigan.

CNN Reports: Trump misstates location of mass shooting in Ohio during speech. References
Toledo instead of Dayton. #itsallthesametome

Republicans (in general): “Our thoughts and prayers go out to…”

Democrats (in general)” Along with our thoughts and prayers, we need stricter gun control

Libertarians (in general): “Let us all pause and reflect, tragedy such as the ones that occurred in
Texas and Ohio can lead self-serving politicians to make hasty decisions and sponsor bills that
potentially violate the 2nd Amendment to the US Constitution.” #shallnotbeinfringed

- September 2019, Post 9/11, USA

Billboard Top 100: After a record-shattering 23 weeks atop the charts, Old Town Road, by Lil’

Nas X featuring Billy Ray Cyrus, remains the number 1 song in the nation.

Facebook: “Mama Bear sure has missed college football.” #godawgs

Republicans (in general): “The number 22 followed by 12 zeroes remains manageable.”

Democrats (in general): “We see the number 22 followed by 12 zeroes and will raise you
another 3 trillion over 5 years, plus Medicare for all. How’s that for manageable?”

Libertarians (in general): “Taxation is theft and all gun laws are unconstitutional.” #livefreeordie

Marketplace.org: “National insurance carriers see an increase in private companies and local
government agencies purchasing ‘active shooter causality’ policies.”

One of the two remaining citizens of Chicago, who have not yet been shot (speaking out against
gun violence in Chicago): “Odds are I’m getting shot this month.” #unansweredprayers
Following the lone shooting in Chicago this month, Time quotes the remaining citizen: “I’m

immigrant. Here. Illegal Russian. Will deport self. Want safety homeland. Please.”#BestOfLuckComrades

- Ryan Ralston