19 May 2020

[Perrin Lovett] - The CFF 2020 Too Early Football Preview Spectacular!


IT’S TIME! for something seriously fun which affects all of us. As Amerikan as Korean baseball, football is much more important than some other things. I have high hopes this column posts sometime before August.

Are you - hang on, how would that sound, drunk, and through an N-95? War Mu Rebby Por Dum Uuubaaaaaaaahhhh??????!!!!!!!!!!!

It may not be ready for you. This season, the NFL may become formally known as the National Fanless League. In place of real obese and gaudily-attired fans in the stands, the masters just might give us the CGI facsimile. All things being unequal, this could be an improvement for the Falcons. For funsies, the computer nerds could liven things up by inserting a digital Jabba The Hutt lounging lower level on the fifty or maybe floating mega-COVIDs darting in and around plays. Facemask penalty! Get it?

Without fans, will cheerleaders be needed? If so, might they be rendered digital cartoons of some kind? This sportswriter wonders if player fear-masks might feature a “pink puppy” design in honor of National Breast Month. I figure the season will be cut short during the middle of the Komen Kon anyway. Second wave, etc. 

The Georgia Faithful surely remember standout Deandre Baker, a legend who now plays for one of those pro teams nobody cares about. He might not mask up at all, a victim of a house party gone wrong in Miramar, Florida. The worst news, really. Now, the best:


At long last, this will be the season that the annual meeting of the UGA Next Year Club will be held via Zoom. I figure that, if the season even starts, it will end 4 and 2, with the telethon to happen on or around Tuesday, October the 13th. It’ll be like the union of also-rans who proudly disclaim 2/3rds of their national championships with a technology built more for porn hacking than for conferencing. I’m excited.

Well, that’s all for today! If you’re in the mood for something utterly trivial, like the possible origins and purposes of the Hoax of 2020, consider clicking HERE.