Happy new week, fellow Branch COVIDians! If you can kindly refrain from the anal swabs and Aunt Yellen UBI begging for a moment, I have some extremely exciting news of the competitive athletic variety. Hey! You with the premature age spots, lethargy, and uncontrollable twitching! That’s probably acute immune thrombocytopenia, aka Pfizer poisoning. Seek immediate emergency medical help … aw, and he’s dead. Where were we? Oh, right, Tampa!
With the ongoing economic collapse, the simmering civil conflagration, out of control unrestricted warfare on all fronts, the lost art of echoing, and a general reluctance by some to accept the primacy of identity in certain matters, especially those political, it was a hard pick this week - until Sunday night. Super Bowl LV gave us too many records and firsts to ignore. Let’s dive right in, shall we?
Front and center, there’s the number seven. Tom Brady has now won SEVEN(!!!) of his ten(!) Super Bowl appearances - records that even the fake news media acknowledge in between bouts of “Kamala-ing” Creepy Joe. Me? My title, above. I think Brady is halfway to his attainable goal of fourteen SB rings. 14. He has more than any player in history and more than any NFL team. Yet, his former coach has eight - all from coaching. And, if we can put aside the autistic screeching about pre, intra, and post-merger statistics, technically Green Bay has thirteen championships. TB12 will understandably want to be the best of the best of the best of the … ever. Oh, Atlanta and Georgia football fans, we’re discussing the likely foreign-to-you concept of “winning.” It’s what winners … nevermind.
Let ESPN and CBS warble away about the big, obvious records and firsts. Here are a few highlights they may have overlooked:
LV was the first Super Bowl ever played before an audience consisting entirely of cardboard cutouts!
All of the human fans were out in the streets partying the way ordinary football fans used to. Tony Fauci advises that two-thirds of Hillsborough County will drop dead as a result - probably before the end of the century.
This was the first Super Bowl wherein the lamestream press pitched an SJW-Gammatard fit about Tom Brady not wearing a sacred face burqa.
It was the first time Joe “You Ain’t Black” Biden, allegedly elected fair and square by over 800 billion popular votes, was roundly booed as he electronically babbled about silencing the people - just more definitive proof of his popularity, I suppose. He was booed presumably by the cutouts, who presumably have already been labeled “cardboard supremacist, neo-Nazi, insurrectionist threats to democracy,” and are presumably being hunted down by the FBI-SS right now. Here, I suggest the novel idea of maybe impeaching Donald Trump as the original instigator. The third time’s the charm?
KC played their hearts out and never gave up, even in the face of certain defeat. This means they each possess larger balls than any Republican’t not named Marjorie Greene.
Every New England Tampa player played like Tom Brady and Tom played like Zeus on steroids.
This was the best football game I have watched in over a year and a half, and not just because it was the only one. All of you kids did a damn fine job!
I did not watch the anthem, Biden-creeping, bitch-masking, kneeling, or other non-football portions of the spectacle, though I understand, from good authority, that the social justice shenanigans were held to a minimum. I had never heard of any of the halftime or other performers and didn’t watch those parts either. I didn’t even have the sound on, for what it’s worth.
Okay, I saw exactly half of one commercial. I am tickled pink that the dapper and dangerous Edward Woodward has been reincarnated as a Black chick. Say, Awoman! [Ed. note: The Equalizer was easily the most underappreciated show of the 80's, if not one of its best; not sure if Perrin is being serious here (and really -- who the hell ever knows what, really, he's thinking, or, sometimes, writing...?), but I, too, am interested in seeing this reboot w/ the Queen. As always, we appreciate you reading -- MBM].
If you watched and wondered how the hell everyone was getting grass stains from artificial turf, then know that, despite looking too perfect, Ray Jay is covered with real grass! Libertarians, calm down! It’s grass grass, for Mary Jane’s sake. That’s the beauty of properly maintained Bermuda, or “Scutch.” True.
It was the first Super Bowl with a woman referee! Fifty-five years of wishing for an attractive down judge prove that dreams do eventually come true.
For those who can’t stand Gisele’s husband, just wait for the hate you’ll feel at eight!