14 November 2018

[Perrin Lovett] - The Dastardly Legume

The Dastardly Legume

All events herein transpired last week in Anytown, USA.


Police Dispatch Radio, 9:14 AM

P-Nut 3: ‘Responding … 7-3-2 at Carver Middle, East Main…’

Dispatcher: ‘All units … P3, be advised calling code 3.’

P-Nut 5: ‘Roger. Cover is code 3.’

Dispatcher: ‘All units: central office and north wing evacuating. South wing in lockdown. Advising Planters High lockdown.’

K-9 1: ‘Which school code 3? Over.’

Dispatcher: ‘All units: cover fire rescue on arrival. … Debbie call Crosstown for additional ambulances.’

Debbie: ‘[garbled].’

K-9 1: ‘Which school? Over.’

Lt. Jif: ‘Mobilize ALL units. Pan is ground commander. 7-3-2 in progress at George Washington Carver Middle School. 300 East Main Street. Situation critical. Casualties unknown. Suspect mobile and dangerous.’

Dispatcher: ‘Sheriff’s S.W.A.T. inbound.’

Lt. Jiff: ‘We may need their F.L.I.R. Call the Highway Patrol for air. … Clear the Sam’s parking lot for Medevac. Close off Main and seal the perimeter.’

Sgt. P. Pan: ‘Ground C.C. in route. ETA five.’

Dispatcher: ‘ G.C.C.: coordinate with HAZMAT upon arrival.’

Sgt. Pan: ‘Roger. … Anybody know where Skippy’s kid is?’

Debbie: ‘In class … at Carver.’

Pan: ‘Jesus, protect us.’


5 the Hive, Live, Breaking News, 9:52 AM:

Morning Anchor: ‘Breaking news in Anytown. Authorities in Anytown are responding to an emergency situation at George Washington Carver Middle School and Center for STEM Excellence in Standardized Testing. 5 the Hive learned, minutes ago, that the situation may involve a possible chemical attack. We do not, at this time, know if this is a terror attack or yet another school shooting. Our own P.B. Jay is on the scene. P.B., what do we know?’

Reporter Jay: ‘Pandemonium here at Carver Middle. I’m across Main looking at the campus. You can see … over my shoulder … we have fire trucks, ambulances, dozens of police. A S.W.A.T. team is preparing to make entry.’

Anchor: ‘Have you heard of any students or others harmed or … otherwise?’

Jay: ‘I’m seeing … we have hundreds of students and teachers exiting the building. You can see them with their hands raised for safety. The authorities are not taking any chances. And … I have here Assistant School Superintendent Aller Gee. Mrs. Gee, do we know exactly what has happened or if there are any casualties?’

Mrs. Aller Gee: ‘All of our children and their safety is our only concern. I have a rumor, a report, there are several sixth graders down … [voice cracks] … our babies are... [sobbing] More may be trapped in a bathroom or science lab. I’m trying to think of the children.’

Jay: ‘Thank you. [hugs Gee] Thank you. We’re all crying, here. And, everyone, the police are directing us to back up towards the Waffle House. Two more helicopters just landing now.’

Anchor: ‘We now know there may be six children, possibly more, succumbing to injuries at Carver Middle. A terrible tragedy. We will constantly cover this story and update you regularly. Now, 5 the Hive’s Jimmy Carter has more on the cows still loose on I-19…’


CNN, Don Lemon’s Pride Show, 10:01 AM:

Don Lemon: ‘It hasth happened again, America. A school shooting isth in progress at a middle school in Anytown. Local sthationsth are now reporting over six dozen children have been shot, possibly by right-wing extremisthsss. ATF field director Charles Shultzsss is on the air with us. Mr. Shultzsss, is this shooting a hate crime?’

Dir. Shultz: ‘Well. For starters we don’t even know if this is a shooting. It’s certainly an emergency of some kind. I haven’t heard … and I just hung up with the State police … heard of any fatalities or other harm yet. To call this, at this time, another school shooting seems like fake ne….’

Lemon: ‘There you haveths it. Another, and maybe the worst, domessstic terror attack on minorities ever perpetrated on American soil. Likely the work of supporters of the Pressidenth’sss deranged agenda of hate. I trusth Chelsea Handler is dissrobing - not that I am interesthed.’


Text from Mandy Ubi to her Mother, 10:10 AM:

‘Mom. IM n class under a desk waiting. WE R skered. Ok were skered now Ms. lucy siad shelter in plase. I hered teen gunshoot. She say he is somwere in our bulding. Roby is missin.’

‘ps lost my plege against critical think. BUTT benchmark texts reskelduled to firday.’


Tweets from the President, 10:29 - 10:30 AM:



Mad Moms Excited by Anaphylaxis, Nuts, and Tomfoolery (MEANT), Blog Post, 11:07 AM:

‘So, Moms, HOW many times do our children, our most precious possession, the very reason we frivorce, our little soccer balls to helicopter, have to SUFFER before something is D.O.N.E.???!!!???!!!

I just got off the phone, dropping bombs with Rep. Debbie Wasserman Shultz’s office, demanding ACTION!!!

Babies can’t breath!

Babies can’t educate!

Babies, our babies, can’t not be available for “dad’s” calls!

MSNPC is saying SIX whole school districts may be effected. Hundreds may be dead. This is the 9/12 of our cause!

Enough is ENOUGH, Moms of AMERCA. We ACT NOW!

PS: LOL. Check my Insta, nutty beothes!!!’


CNBC, Rick Santelli from Chicago, 1:10 PM:

Rick Santelli: ‘Sue, all agri futures are suffering. And you know this is a result of Anytown.’

Sue Herera: ‘So, it’s to buy?’

Santelli: ‘Definitely time to buy!’

Herera: ‘Are you watching Mylan’s prices, Rick?’

Santelli: ‘Mylan is through the roof. Has to be … possibly is all this new, emergency ordering for the Epipen. The Anytown effect. Bad news but, you have to understand the market, the best news, here, since Elon Musk lit the doobie.’

Herera: ‘So, time to buy Mylan?’

Santelli: ‘Buy, buy, buy, baby! Buy and bye, Sue. Back to you.’

Herera: ‘Buy … bye Rick.’


Telephone Call from Mary Sue to Murdis, 1:21 PM:

Mary Sue: ‘They say it’s something worse than a shooting. Worse than drinking a Pepsi.’

Murdis: ‘Jesus don’t like Pepsi.’

Mary Sue: ‘He don’t like the little brown nutties neither. No. “I gave you the green plants to eat,” He said. Them children is misbehavin’ and it’s a-coming back to ‘em.’

Murdis: ‘John’s boy wouldn’t ever be part of any such. It’s them others that I worry about. Ain’t right. Dressing like that and those phones. Forknite they call it.’

Mary Sue: ‘Crowns for Heaven...’


Joint Statement from Nancy Pelosi, Charles Schumer, Cory Booker, and the Combined Democratic Social Progress Caucus, 1:43 PM:

‘Chairman Mao once said, “children in the classroom are like rice in the furnace.”

We all know what he means by that and, today, we all know what our President means by continuing to constantly ignore school violence, school funding, RUSSIAN Collusion, and general indifference to the civility that makes America the original proposition nation.

Our thoughts are with the young students of Anytown, especially those newly arrived via caravan. Our thoughts are on the prayers of a nation - please keep those out of our schools. And, also keep out all those instruments of deplorable terrorism. School should indoctrinate our young, be places where they fear to think or speak.

The time is now for a Blue Wave of college for all, secure from fear of anything except fear. We must act now to enact sensible and TOTAL gun control. We must raise taxes.’


Rush Limbaugh’s Radio Show, 2:03 PM:

‘Friends, they’re not even telling us what is happening at that school. CNN, MSNPC, Nancy Pelosi - they call it a shooting. All I hear is that there’s some problem. A problem. And it may have something to do … something chemical.

Is this ISIS? We don’t know. We don’t know anything. And, listen now, that’s where Lifelock comes in. You don’t have time monitor what your kids eat at school, let alone the credit you worked so hard to est…’


The Alex Jones Show, 3:00 PM:

‘What this is … all this is, is an attempt by Nazi-collaborator George Soros to control our children and their minds. We have a picture of a crisis actor, ON THE SCENE, in a top hat and wearing a monocle. You can bet your vitamins on this one. You tell me what’s going on!’


Text from M.B.M to P.B.L., in re: the Piedmont Chronicles, 3:33 PM:

‘Could you lay off the “fiction” please? National affairs don’t need embellishment and, frankly, Kayla’s a little upset. PS: Go DAWGS!’


Governor’s Press Conference at Carver Middle School, 4:00 PM:

‘I am pleased to announce that the day’s emergency situation at George Washington Carver Middle School and Center for Standardized Testing Excellence and Magnet Technology ...
Is over.

While it seems that no children were ever actually harmed, or even threatened, we must remain vigilant about just what could have happened. This is our school. Your school. Anytown. Any school.

Before I discuss what unfolded today, I’d like to thank all of our first responders.Thank you, to all the police, firemen, EMTs, wrecker operators, pilots, chemical warfare specialists, Republican voters, and - most especially - to our greatest ally. We owe you and will continue to pay our debts. The ATF, our Twitter-in-Chief, the janitor with that mop. Remember to vote. Our state is strong because we continue to make the trade for eternal safety.

What happened today is inexcusable. Through utter carelessness and disregard for school policy, state law, and common sense, the offending subject was allowed onto this campus. Allowed around all of these very small and vulnerable children.

Make no mistake. What could have happened is beyond our worst nightmares. My lips are swelling just from that thought. The doctors at Crosstown and Mercy Metro. Our veterans. Think and let us pray.

The suspect, like the intended victims, was very small. Small in stature but a veritable Godzilla in terms of purely raw, life-taking power. For all listening and watching: these little brown monsters are simply not allowed in our schools. Not in our cafeterias. Not in our backpacks. No in the car lines nor the buses.

Just one … just a single one of these walking, rolling, crunchy weapons of mass destruction has the potential to kill all of our students - not one in twenty, as you’re told by the fake news - but all of them. Most adults too.

But … not today.

Today, because of our dedication, our vigilance, and our determination, the unthinkable has been prevented. Again, we owe our very lives to all our first responder heroes.

The school will be closed for the indeterminate future. The buildings will have to be cleaned, sanitized, perhaps razed. But no cost is too great for safety. The safety of our beloved little ones.

Hear me now, all voters of good conscious: the offending PEANUT has been isolated, contained, and DESTROYED! God bless Anytown and God bless America!


Pic by Richard North.

***The preceding was work of satirical fiction, hopefully humorous. The style one may recall from a certain 1897 novel by Stoker. No children, peanuts, nor politicians were harmed in the concocting of this monstrosity.

- Perrin Lovett


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